We No Longer Know…

We inject our lips to look better yet we no longer know how to speak eloquently.

We implant breast to look good but we no longer know what sacrifice is as we play on our phones while our child plays alone.

We pierce our ears to look good but we no longer have the patience to listen to others and offer understanding.

We tattoo our bodies to look good but we no longer respect ourselves enough not to sell it to the highest bidder.

We change the color of our eyes with contacts to look good but we can no longer see past the outer shell of others.

We get nose jobs to look good but we no longer have the patience to stop and “smell the roses.”

We purchase $600+ phones to communicate but we no longer know how to have a real conversation much less face to face.

We take prescriptions to make us feel better but we no longer know how to actually deal with our problems.

We have weddings to show our commitment but we no longer fully commit and instead get divorced.

We give our kids iPads, iPods, video games to entertain them but they no longer know how to be creative or active.

We build houses but no longer know how to create homes.

We wear glasses to see but no longer can see the shallow minded, self absorbed, unsatisfied, lonely zombies that we have created.

Don’t be a zombie. Experience life. See it, touch it, smell it, feel it, enjoy it. It only happens once.

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For the Love of Boogers

Well I had to give myself a couple of days before I could stomach the idea of living through the details of what it was I had to experience.

Boogers. My worst enemy. My arch nemesis. My phobia.

I haven’t had much dealings with boogers since I was a child. A time at which I was traumatized by boogers. Quick and to the point: Had a friend over to my grandmother’s house swimming. Everything was going great until I looked over at her and she had the longest, slimest, most disgusting booger hanging out of her nose and onto her lip. I panicked in my head. I wanted to leave the pool but I didn’t want to be an asshole. I wanted to tell her so she could take care of it but I was more frightened that she would wipe it and it went into the pool. I did neither. Instead I swam as far away from her as I possibly could. Time goes by and I’m swimming around minding my own business when I pick my head out of the water and feel something slimey on my lips. I panic. Could it be the booger?!?!?! I look at my friend and her booger is gone. My worst nightmare came true. Her booger is now on my lip!!! That was the beginning of my booger phobia.

Fast forward 25 years and now I have a child. Boogers are something I know eventually will have to deal with. Well that day came. 3 days ago. She was sniffling so I took the booger sucker as pictured here…

index

I squeezed it, stuck it in her nose and released it. Out came the booger I have nightmares about. The snotty, slimey, thick booger. My throat began to tighten and water. The sucker didn’t suck it all the way in so the booger rested at the beginning of her nostril. I again had to squeeze the sucker and go in for the kill. Nope, didn’t work again. The booger was so big that it clogged the sucker and the ball wouldn’t release to suck it into the contraption. My throat began watering like Niagara Falls. My stomach churned. I gagged. Trying to hold down the lunch I ate just 20 minutes ago, I tried to swiftly end this torture by pulling the sucker out fast and putting the booger into a clean diaper for disposal. This is exactly what occurred however, when I pulled the sucker out the booger was hanging out of the end. Long, slimey, and thick. Forcing my lunch half way up my esophogus. All while wondering how such a HUGE booger could have been in my small babies nose. I feel as though I may have discarded part of her brain in that diaper that day.

The next day I was telling the hellacious story when a friend suggests a Nose Frida as pictured below…

nosefrida-the-snotsucker-nasal-aspirator-22402086-01

and proceeds to tell me that you suck on the one end while the other end is in your kids nose. WHAT!?!?! After the experience I just told you, you think I should now SUCK the boogers from her nose manually!?!?! I imagine hearing a little thud as the booger gets sucked into the tube, feeling the vibration on my lips, and SEEING the nasty little booger in the CLEAR apparatus. UMMMMMMMMMMM NO! Hell to the NO!

You Know Your A Mom When…

You know your a mom when sniffing butts is no longer just the dogs job.

You know your a mom when a forgotten item from the store seems like a magical excuse to escape when dad gets home.

You know your a mom when taking a shower before 9pm is a grandiose accomplishment.

You know your a mom when waking from a full nights sleep has you in a panic that something isn’t right.

You know your a mom when having to go to the grocery store without dad feels like a slow walk through hell.

You know your a mom when pooping alone is no longer an option.

You know your a mom when that poop also entails clapping, songs, etc…

You know your a mom when you dream about having a drink yet refuse because the next day will be torture.

You know your a mom when selective hearing is no longer a trait just your husband has.

You know your a mom when your use to projects and tasks taking 2+ attempts.

You know your a mom when sex feels like an illegal activity that might have the FEDS busting in at any moment.

 

 

 

50 MORE things to do together (other than watching movies) – What You Make It

via 50 MORE things to do together (other than watching movies) – What You Make It.

This blog written by Jenn @ http://www.whatyoumakeitblog.com is AWESOME!!! Good ideas and though I’d share with you. Her link provided above.

50 MORE things to do together (other than watching movies)

You guys. I can’t even believe how much that post on 50 things to do (other than watching movies) totally blew up on Pinterest. If you missed it, it’s a post with 50 ideas for things that you can do with your spouse/significant other/roommate/friends instead of turning on the TV. I guess it was a relief to know that I’m not the only one who defaults to Amazon Prime on a typical evening.

So I figured – why not add to the list? Surely there are even more fun things to do together out there.

Without further ado, I present to you:

1. Raid your refrigerator and pantry, and do a television-style food competition (think “Chopped” or “Iron Chef”).
2. Pick something seasonal to do – like apple-picking, ice-skating, swimming.
3. Take a walk around your neighborhood.
4. Go star-gazing, even if it means taking a drive out of town.
5. Do random acts of kindness all over town – buy someone’s coffee for them, leave kind notes, etc.
6. Start a memory book or photo album together.
7. Arrange some kind of swap with friends – cookies, recipes, clothes, shoes, etc.
8. Re-live recess and go play at a playground.
9. Do a workout video together – my roomies and I did a Bollywood dance video once and had so much fun!
10. Cross a quick house project off your checklist: hang a string of white lights somewhere, put up pictures, make a home command center. Do the things you “never have time for” – chances are, some of them take only a few minutes.
11. Run an errand you have to do anyway together, like grocery shopping – it makes it half as boring as it would have been : )
12. Dream up a future event or goal together, and make plans to take action! It could be your wedding, a marathon, your own business…
13. Teach your spouse/other half/friend/roomie one of your talents, and have them teach you one of theirs! Invite others over for a talent night.
14. Take an evening or weekend college class or recreation course together.
15. Pick a room or piece of furniture to paint and go find some paint samples. Benjamin Moore has a great color-matching app! If you’re more ambitious, start painting.
16. Babysit for friends so they can have a date night – they will love you for it!
17. Build a fort.
18. Make a fire in the fireplace, make hot cocoa, and settle in for a cozy night.
19. Do some yard work or plant a garden.
20. Take each other on in some kind of challenge – an eating contest, beat each other’s score at a video game, run a race.
21. Play a game of touch football or rugby. Invite friends to play.
22. Have a “fix it” night – tackle the “Honey Do” lists together. My husband is the handy one; I’m more of the mending kind.
23. Yard sales! My hubby wasn’t really super excited about me dragging him to a yard sale – until he scored a great deal. Now he’s the one taking me : )
24. Eat appetizers for dinner. Lay out a blanket and have an indoor picnic.
25. Start a new tradition. (Who needs an occasion?)
26. Geocache.
27. Play bartender and make a popular (or newly invented) mixed drink.
28. Go to the zoo.
29. Have a lip sync battle a la Jimmy Fallon : )
30. Scare or prank a friend (not someone you don’t know).
31. Write something together – a letter, a poem, a story…
32. Paint a picture – with paintbrushes or finger paint!
33. Climb a tree.
34. Play games at an arcade. Or even the prize machine at Walmart.
35. Get a Mad Gab book and have fun filling it out.
36. See a play or musical together.
37. Have a progressive dinner with friends. Stop at a different location for each part of the meal (and then you only have to make one part).
38. Go out and treat yo selves to something special for each one of you, no judgement. Even if it’s at the Dollar Store.
39. Clean out your closets (and/or rooms) and make a donation pile. It’ll be fun digging through memories.
40. Come up with a list of questions you’ve always wanted to ask the other person. Or look up some questions that can make for interesting answers.
41. Wash your car(s) together!
42. Go camping.
43. Test drive a new car.
44. Play charades.
45. Find all your unused gift cards and use them up! It’s like Christmas!
46. Come up with a way to fundraise for your favorite charity and do it together.
47. Create a scavenger hunt of favorite places in your town, and then invite friends to take the challenge.
48. Rearrange or reorganize a part or room of your house.
49. Take a simple recipe – grilled cheese, pizza, sandwich – and embellish it to make it your own, then try each other’s.
50. Do something out of your comfort zone – like rock climbing, for me.

50 things to do (other than movies) – What You Make It

Closet Sex

So some friends of mine who have 2 kids several years older then mine, and are the same ones that have been warning me about letting your kids sleep with you, have enlightened me with how their sex life mostly takes place in the closet…literally. At first I found this funny. Then I did a little 30 second self reflection. Since my sex life is more like searching for water in the Mojave on a 140 degree day I embraced their idea….get it in where you can fit it in. Go peeps!

sex after kids

 

Sleep Time Warfare

Sleeping with my significant other is much like what I imagine a war zone to be like. Always on guard… never knowing where the next attack will come from… constant motion.

Today I tried to nap because I have a sinus infection and I’m exhausted. He decided he will nap to. I thought, “Ahh fuck!!!”. Clinging on to the idea that I AM going to SLEEP in my comfy bed, I resisted the overwhelming nagging of my conscience to sleep in the guest room where I would be insured a peaceful ambiance free from attack. Epic FAIL. For three hours Id fall asleep long enough for him just to wake me over and over again. Much like insanity and self-abuse, I remained in the bed too exhausted to move.

His response to this was: “YOU need to talk to the doctor because of your sleeping problem.” Then proceeds to tell me he has a conference call tomorrow.

My response: “Good, I will talk to you during your entire conference call. When you bitch because you can’t hear, I will tell you what a shitty listener you are.”

Pretty sure he got the point

Today I like You Best When You Are Sleeping

To my 8 month old:

Today you have allowed me 3 hours of sleep

You think a 5 minute nap is as good as a 2 hour nap

You will not allow me to put you down and yes I have other things I need to take care of also…Imagine that

You have spit food in my face and thought it was funny

You have not allowed me to shower and I feel like a dirtball

You have not allowed me to poop and my stomach hurts

and you have yelled at me all day, even when we are playing

This isn’t war…I am on your side

Today…I like you best when you are sleeping

 

 

Poopy Parts of Parenting

Poop becomes the first thing that you get to smell most mornings. Pleasant it is. No way around it, no hiding from it, no running from it. Roll your sleeves up and dig in.

Your Diaper Genie starts off as an amazing tool and slowly turns into a churning bucket of stench that has your throat watering at each disposal. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the lid wears out and slowly leaks that gut wrenching smell throughout your otherwise pleasantly smelling house.

Your outings will now revolve around poop:

Did you forget your extra diapers or wipes for your “short” run to the store? Shit yes you did…TIME TO GO.

Did you pack that extra outfit in case of a blowout? Shit no you didn’t…TIME TO GO.

Poop will be an indicator of your kids health:

When they poop too much…YOU PANIC.

When it changes colors and/or consistency…YOU PANIC.

And much like missing your period, if its not happened in a couple days…YOU PANIC.